Tuesday, May 3, 2016

The Fog That Doesn't Hold Me

I miss all the love and excitement. The smiles and the laughs. The various fragrances from the women whom I hugged multiple times. I have something to share. Deep inside my heart is a sadness and a constant pain. My mind is always racing as I sit in worry daily. I've been taking care of my entire family without much support. I've learned that those friends and the ones who I thought I could depend on left or I had to show them the door.

When I arrived at Mom 2.0 Summit, I arrived at 3:40pm on Tuesday at the AirBnB I was sharing with 3 other attendees. I was dropped of by my husband and our children. It was a nice drive in. I was fortunate to have a nice place to stay. I was given the tour by the owner and then my family left. I was alone before 4pm until about 10:20pm. All that time I actually got to do nothing. I didn't speak to anyone, have to tend to anyone or have to think of anything.

For once in such a long time I was okay being alone too. The silence was a welcome respite. I read a book, I drank some wine, meditated, sat outside in the courtyard next to the fire pit. I watched the world from the balcony terrace as it was still moving bustling and beautiful. I even had a moment where I cried for sheer joy of being able to have that. To bask in the art of doing nothing.

I was once someone who didn't ever change his clothing until it was bedtime. That has changed over the years. So that first day there I didn't change out of my clothes into my pajamas. I remained in my travel outfit. A travel outfit! Well that I learned from my image consultant, Clifton Davis Clarke, who had helped me dress for Dad 2.0 Summit, he and I didn't have an opportunity to do the same for this event. I took what I have learned from his imparted wisdom to dress for this event. I was nervous.

I was also worried I'd shut down and let my emotions or my life stress hold me back. I have lived in a fog for so long that I was lost. I wandered around not even thinking of ever doing anything for me. I lost what made myself happy. Not that I needed to be selfish but I wasn't taking care of myself. I also didn't have the ability to. My fortitude was lost. I found it when I attended various events such as the National At-Home Dad Network and Dad 2.0 Summit both on scholarships. I also received gracious unsolicited help from some friends. Graciousness also abounded to help me attend Mom 2.0 Summit which was another wonderful experience.

I'm sitting here in my living room in silence. Always afraid of my reality. I sit and write plans and hope I'm able to maintain them. I have big dreams & I will pursue them until I breathe my last breath of life. I have so much strife and glory at the same time.

When you saw me, you see this man who is joyful energetic and infectious. You say I was a hoot and a holler that I made you laugh. You said you're my biggest fan or I'm your dance goal. Well I'm this way because it's the only way I know how to live in order to not fall back into that fog.

I will win. I've been winning everyday that I still fight the fight. I am not ever going to stop sharing myself, my story and I'm going to pursue those dreams. Life is very short and I've experienced hurt loss and disappointment. The better parts of all of that is I know what I will not accept from anyone.

So if you're here in my world and you see the shine in my eye or the hop in my step. Or the sound of my laughter, know that I truly am in that moment. That I am taking it all in. That I am relishing in the who what when where and why. I am.

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