Thursday, February 18, 2016

When I Look In The Mirror

When I look in the mirror I see him and I see her.
I see his mean stare.
I see her absent expression.

When I look in the mirror I see my father.
I can see his beard, the way his hair grows.
I can see his skin tone.

When I look in the mirror I see my mother.
I see her big eyes, her smile and I wonder when was the last time she smiled.
Has she ever?

When I look in the mirror I see myself and how easily I am able to behave like him.
I don't like his angry tone.
I don't like his hands on me.
You're hurting me.

When I look in the mirror I see myself and how easily an addict I could become.
I am not addicted to anything.
Maybe addicted to wanting to know you.

When I look in the mirror I see the hurt and sorrow of my father.
I remember the day his grandmother died and how he couldn't even talk as he was crying.
I too am sensitive that way.

When I look in the mirror I see the black eyes of my mother.
That was the day she forever lost custody of me
and my siblings as her mascara dribbled down her face.
Her addiction left me locked up in an apartment for two weeks with no food.
I won't do that to my children.

When I look in the mirror I see them both staring back at me.
My father and his judgemental dismissive self.
Yes dad I'm gay and I still love you even though you cast me out.
My mother who died from long term drug addiction.
I didn't know the woman who I look like most.
I wish I knew you.

When I look in the mirror I can now say I see me.
The man who is strong.
The little boy dying for love and affection, no more.
I may not hurt so much anymore and I'm here.
I am the man who I want to be.
I am the husband I want to be.
I am the friend I want to be.
I am the dad I want to be.

When I look in the mirror I see a man who has been through hell
 and back and I'm still standing.
Life is a whirlwind, it will throw you up and down.
Get back up off the ground!
I look in that mirror and I know I am.
I exist.

When I look in the mirror I am happy at what I see.
I see the best parts of every single person
I have encountered in my life.
I am me!

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