Monday, February 1, 2016
What To Say
I sit here and I ponder what to say. I didn't plan on this being my first blog post but it ended up being as such due to circumstances beyond my control. So please sit back, relax, sip your favorite drink and welcome to my world.
I want to say to that little boy sitting underneath the dining room table longing for that pickle that sits atop the roach trap, who's very hungry, that you will one day not ever worry about when you will be fed. I want to say to that little boy who also on that same day witnesses his mother use a needle for something other than a medical reason, that it's okay to be scared and worried. You won't be there forever and this will get better. Remember your faith and dreams.
I want to say to that young 1st grader that it's okay that your teacher didn't let you use the restroom. Yes you ended up peeing in your pants and stayed that way for the rest of the school day. So what! It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. You are not dumb or careless even if you were made to feel so by hecklers and taunters. You are kind, smart and important.
I want to say to that 6th grader that your best friend stopped being your best friend for his reasons. You didn't speak ill of him someone else did and you know that. You know it to be true because you heard it firsthand. Yes you will be a loner for a while but focus on the fun you get to have with your aunt and grandmother. They made sure you had the best times ever. Friends come and go but more will see you for the quality person you are. Chin up young person.
I want to say to that teenager to be more brave. You are brave for pursuing performing arts, dance, colorguard and songleading. Yes you know you're different but not just from this but your sexuality too. Be brave and know thyself. Make yourself known. Be the trendsetter and trail blazer. Others do look up to you. You may not know it now but you will. I know you're scared even when 'doin' your thang' but at least you're doing what you love. Hold onto it and don't let go.
I want to say to you that you love so hard and deep. Your first husband died of cancer in your arms and you will be ready for the next part of your life. You will find love again in your second husband. That will lead you to becoming a parent and marriage. Your life will have so much more. It takes time but it does get better. Remember you are strong and you are brave.
Yes your father disowned you for being gay. That isn't your choice nor your battle. It's his. Your mother will pass away and yes she may look like you and vice versa. Well you're your own person. You may see each parent in the mirror staring back at you but you are not them. Your path will be different and you know how you want to be. There is plenty more love for you in the world. I want to say to you, you are wonderful!
I want to say to you that you will lose your best friend suddenly. You will lose more close friends shortly after. Remember you had so much with them and it won't ever go away. Yes they are physically gone but the memories are forever. The last thing Nick told you was to follow your dreams so don't ever forget that. Your life will have more friends and you will find where you belong again.
I want to say to you that the at home parent journey you've been on will lead you to the National At Home Dad Network, to Dad 2.0 Summit, Gays With Kids, Marrow Deep by Richard Gayler, Warren Carlyle, book reviews such as Peter Bedard's book Convergence Healing and Clint Edwards This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things. You will have your first paid brand ambassadorship with Chabee Outfitters. You will have great success and more to come. You will have a new great business relationship with Clifton Davis Clarke, a wardrobe stylist/ image consultant, to make you your best for the Dad 2.0 Summit and beyond, yes you deserve this!
I want to say to you that your husband, Sean, will need your social media expertise for his business venture. You're going to be great at it. You have an opportunity of a lifetime to use what you have been given so freely toward this. You're smart, savvy, diligent and creative. Let go let flow. He loves you and you love him. Two queens are better than none.
I want to say to you that you're going to have more than you know what to do with and that's okay. You can handle it. You have been through so much in life and you are more than capable. Your heart knows when to let go, your mind knows when to not stress and your inner voice tells you how to handle any situation. Listen to yourself. Remember your struggles, embrace the changes and forge ahead. Your dreams haven't ever left your mind. Keep going. Be unwavering in your creative self and be you. There is only one of you.
I want to say that I am Joël. I love myself. I am comfortable in my own skin. Anyone who takes pity or offense I say 'judge yourself' it's who I am. I am here.