Wednesday, February 6, 2013

THIS IS MY LIFE.....MY LIFE

I am sitting in my dining room on the eve of my birthday watching my two kids do their homework. The last 32 yrs, soon to be 33 tomorrow, have been very tumultuous.I have had my usual ups and downs just like anyone else. I have had some major things happen to me. I became a parent and then I became a stay at home parent.

My journey to become a parent was different from most parents. I and my partner adopted. I had always to be a stay at home parent but I was reluctant in the beginning. It dawned on me one day that I wanted that from the get go but I was anxious about how I would handle being a father. I was scared. I can say that it was a big deal to be a parent and I wanted to get it right. However, making mistakes is part of learning and developing your own parenting path.

I gave myself credit for the good things. I reflected on my shortcomings and learned habits from my own parents. I make sure to remind myself daily about how I want to parent, how I want to treat my kids and how I want to treat my partner. I check myself and recheck myself. I do not want to continue the cycle. I want to be the end and start of something new.

Now before anyone gets all happy about what I strive for daily......know there is another part to this entry. I struggled with actually writing an entry for this blog. What was I going to say? How was I going to say it? What topic should I pick? I wanted to write about an overheard conversation between my daughter and her friend in her class. However, I couldn't even type or write anything. This, what I am about to type is what has been weighing on my mind. This is what I need to say.

This is my life. My life! I am a parent. I am a lover. I am a partner. I am a contributor. I am a giver. I am human. I have the capacity to love. I have the capacity to give. I love and I give. My friends, my lover and my small family would say that I give wholeheartedly. I wear some of my emotions on my sleeve. I am polite. I respect. I am courteous. I am a lot of things. I am not trying to toot my own horn. I am making a point.

All of the things mentioned beforehand are characteristics, traits and learned behaviors. Me being gay is not what I want focused on. I am femine. I am masculine. I wear various colors of nail polish because I can. I love it damn it! I wear makeup on occassions. I 'swish' my hips and I can take apart and reassemble a door lock.

In the words of Estelle from her song "Do My Thing"

 I wear my hair 'like this' becasue I can.
 I walk like this because it's who I am. 
If you expect me to give you an apology for being nothing that you are used to...
well go on ahead and wait. Hold your breath and concentrate. 
Keep holding until your face turns blue. 
You don't know where I am going, and so you think I am lost

I ain't on your page, OK so to you that means I'm off
When I dance, I dance to the beat of a drummer you don't hear and you can't see
So if I look off beat to you, well the problem must be you not me
Irregular but never irrelevant, unusual but never uncool
You're not cut from my cloth
You never get me, or I don't get you
I'm a believer of the fact that unique equals love.
So if I'm going too fast for you never you mind and speed off

My road, it ain't your road, but trust I know just where I'm going

My flow it ain't your flow, but trust I know, just how I'm flowing
I’ma do my thing
Please feel free to hate and complain
And say what you want cause this one (ME) ain't gonna change
I'ma do my thing

My final thought is. I am here. I am making my own path. I am teaching my own kids to be themselves. I want them to be comfortable in embracing everything about their self. I love what I have, who I have in my life. I hope I have made it clear. This is my life. My life! I accept everyone around me. I accept the positives and I try to ignore the negative. I am human and I have my limits. I reached mine. It hurts to be judged. It hurts to be outcast. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and say again....this is my life. My life! Now go and let good thoughts be your sword and shield! 

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