My journey to become a parent was different from most parents. I and my partner adopted. I had always to be a stay at home parent but I was reluctant in the beginning. It dawned on me one day that I wanted that from the get go but I was anxious about how I would handle being a father. I was scared. I can say that it was a big deal to be a parent and I wanted to get it right. However, making mistakes is part of learning and developing your own parenting path.
I gave myself credit for the good things. I reflected on my shortcomings and learned habits from my own parents. I make sure to remind myself daily about how I want to parent, how I want to treat my kids and how I want to treat my partner. I check myself and recheck myself. I do not want to continue the cycle. I want to be the end and start of something new.
Now before anyone gets all happy about what I strive for daily......know there is another part to this entry. I struggled with actually writing an entry for this blog. What was I going to say? How was I going to say it? What topic should I pick? I wanted to write about an overheard conversation between my daughter and her friend in her class. However, I couldn't even type or write anything. This, what I am about to type is what has been weighing on my mind. This is what I need to say.
This is my life. My life! I am a parent. I am a lover. I am a partner. I am a contributor. I am a giver. I am human. I have the capacity to love. I have the capacity to give. I love and I give. My friends, my lover and my small family would say that I give wholeheartedly. I wear some of my emotions on my sleeve. I am polite. I respect. I am courteous. I am a lot of things. I am not trying to toot my own horn. I am making a point.
All of the things mentioned beforehand are characteristics, traits and learned behaviors. Me being gay is not what I want focused on. I am femine. I am masculine. I wear various colors of nail polish because I can. I love it damn it! I wear makeup on occassions. I 'swish' my hips and I can take apart and reassemble a door lock.
In the words of Estelle from her song "Do My Thing"
I wear my hair 'like this' becasue I can.
I walk like this because it's who I am.
If you expect me to give you an apology for being nothing that you are used to...
well go on ahead and wait. Hold your breath and concentrate.
Keep holding until your face turns blue.
You don't know where I am going, and so you think I am lost